if someone said three years from now,
they'd be long gone.
i'll stand up and punch them out
cause they're all wrong.
i know better, cause you said forever.
and ever, who knew?
-----<3-----<3-----
and when i saw that familiar message of zhuang hua's SQUADMATES....
i smiled,and opened it, thinking that it would just be another constant reminder to bring whatever attire.
my eyes scanned across the message...
new squad tee with pt kit.....not in ______, bring quarter u..
that was when i stopped reading.
and that jaw clenching with tears brimming in my eyes...
that familiar pain....clawed down my heart.
yeah, that;s right, i'm never gonna carry the pegs like i used to, and joke with my teammates on the way to that familiar pitch.
and kimberly said to let it go.
let it go? i closed my eyes, sore from crying, feeling a surge of emotions rushing into my blood.
how? how do you let it go?
i've never felt this devastated before, not even to that extent when i failed my corporal.
let me make myself clear.
i'm not blaming anybody, i got over the fact that team 2 wasn't in the finals.
i'm happy for team one, i sound unconvincing, but that is how i feel now.
glad and relieved for team one, but...on the other hand, i feel like team 2's my family...
none of you can understand the feeling on having to abandon something that you once dedicated to.
your heart, your soul, your blood, your sweat, your tears.
i can do drills tomorrow, but don't expect to see me smiling.
because, i'm doing something that i feel so...unconnected with.
it doesn't feel the same. it will never feel the same.
and when i see them pitch, i'll cry.
because we're never gonna rush in at the count of start,
get ready into our diving positions.,
hear maams cheering bob the builder,
hearing nisa say 'shit',
and maam saying 'raise flag!'
and maam asking to me hurry up peg the anchor point.
zhuang hua rushing around and screaming her head off to pass the twine to her.
and someone saying 'time check',
maam encouraging me to peg faster,
hear myself murmuring some vulgarities when i peg into a rock.
have mud spa all over my hands...
tear my skin with blisters and other hand injuries..
feel the familiar feel of the pegs and the ground.
the smell and the texture of the spars when holding them in place.
myself shouting 2,6, pull...
our teammates shouting...'everybody we;re doing great!' and 'team 2! faster!'
have debrief with CIs.
cheer those ahem ahem cheers,
get ready our logistics,
and see our flag soar high.
all these little things.....they are of so much importance.
and they make a difference to everything.
please, i don't want this to end.
5 months of hard work, and you tell me that we're going drills tomorrow?
how the fucking hell am i going to let this go?
smile and pretend that 'yes, i'm fine, yes, let's do hormat senjata.'
hell no, i can;t do that.
it's really not their fault, and it's not our fault we didn't get into the finals.
the judges were cock-eye that day and just didn't manage to see everything. whatever.
but you know what,
i never knew how attached i was to campcraft.
and how much i anticipated each training, each debrief, and each pitch, and each drinking session.
with maam and i still trying our best not to spill the water out...
and with zh and the other accomplices making the vomit sound.
those memories are really priceless.
and i really cherish the moments we had together.
i really do love my team, like, this love, is not that pure i-love-you,you-love-me-barney-cheesy-love.
it's different, and i don't know how to explain this, because this love is unique.
and i just wanna thank everybody, everybody.
i wanna thank all the maams, for actually tolerating this bunch of crazy nonsensical sec threes..
and teaching us and changing the ideas of the structure, making it look more stylish
teaching us new..rappy cheers. i really liked them.
and encouraging us, praising us when we did our stuff right.
taking care of us,
tearing open plasters and putting it over our blisters.
and laughing whenever we made a joke.
and cheered us up whenever we had our downs with campcraft.
and i wanna thank my teammates
thanks so much to everybody, for coming down for trainings
i really don't know how to express my heartfelt thanks and gratefulness to you all.
but you guys have me this sense of belonging, like, we were a team, nothing between us could separate us.
and i really love your company, the warmth it brings me, laughing with me for my insanely lame jokes....
god.
i don;t know how to....tell you.
its just that i really love you all really much, and this love is...powerful.
it grew stronger and stronger every training.
and i admire all of you, for being able to take such hardships, and turn to me and say, 'oh, it's nothing, i can handle it.'
and the CIs.....
to this part i really want to cry, and unleash those tears out.
i'm sorry that we didn'tget into finals.
and i'm so sorry that you all had to sacriface your lessons and everything else just to guide us.
i'm really sorry.
and it's like one of the times i really wanna spread my hands out and fall back down.
and just disappear.
-----<3
i prayed for this heart to be unbroken,
but without you all i'm going to be is...
incomplete.