if someone said three years from now,
they'd be long gone.
i'll stand up and punch them out
cause they're all wrong.
i know better, cause you said forever.
and ever, who knew?
-----<3-----<3-----
and when i saw that familiar message of zhuang hua's SQUADMATES....
i smiled,and opened it, thinking that it would just be another constant reminder to bring whatever attire.
my eyes scanned across the message...
new squad tee with pt kit.....not in ______, bring quarter u..
that was when i stopped reading.
and that jaw clenching with tears brimming in my eyes...
that familiar pain....clawed down my heart.
yeah, that;s right, i'm never gonna carry the pegs like i used to, and joke with my teammates on the way to that familiar pitch.
and kimberly said to let it go.
let it go? i closed my eyes, sore from crying, feeling a surge of emotions rushing into my blood.
how? how do you let it go?
i've never felt this devastated before, not even to that extent when i failed my corporal.
let me make myself clear.
i'm not blaming anybody, i got over the fact that team 2 wasn't in the finals.
i'm happy for team one, i sound unconvincing, but that is how i feel now.
glad and relieved for team one, but...on the other hand, i feel like team 2's my family...
none of you can understand the feeling on having to abandon something that you once dedicated to.
your heart, your soul, your blood, your sweat, your tears.
i can do drills tomorrow, but don't expect to see me smiling.
because, i'm doing something that i feel so...unconnected with.
it doesn't feel the same. it will never feel the same.
and when i see them pitch, i'll cry.
because we're never gonna rush in at the count of start,
get ready into our diving positions.,
hear maams cheering bob the builder,
hearing nisa say 'shit',
and maam saying 'raise flag!'
and maam asking to me hurry up peg the anchor point.
zhuang hua rushing around and screaming her head off to pass the twine to her.
and someone saying 'time check',
maam encouraging me to peg faster,
hear myself murmuring some vulgarities when i peg into a rock.
have mud spa all over my hands...
tear my skin with blisters and other hand injuries..
feel the familiar feel of the pegs and the ground.
the smell and the texture of the spars when holding them in place.
myself shouting 2,6, pull...
our teammates shouting...'everybody we;re doing great!' and 'team 2! faster!'
have debrief with CIs.
cheer those ahem ahem cheers,
get ready our logistics,
and see our flag soar high.
all these little things.....they are of so much importance.
and they make a difference to everything.
please, i don't want this to end.
5 months of hard work, and you tell me that we're going drills tomorrow?
how the fucking hell am i going to let this go?
smile and pretend that 'yes, i'm fine, yes, let's do hormat senjata.'
hell no, i can;t do that.
it's really not their fault, and it's not our fault we didn't get into the finals.
the judges were cock-eye that day and just didn't manage to see everything. whatever.
but you know what,
i never knew how attached i was to campcraft.
and how much i anticipated each training, each debrief, and each pitch, and each drinking session.
with maam and i still trying our best not to spill the water out...
and with zh and the other accomplices making the vomit sound.
those memories are really priceless.
and i really cherish the moments we had together.
i really do love my team, like, this love, is not that pure i-love-you,you-love-me-barney-cheesy-love.
it's different, and i don't know how to explain this, because this love is unique.
and i just wanna thank everybody, everybody.
i wanna thank all the maams, for actually tolerating this bunch of crazy nonsensical sec threes..
and teaching us and changing the ideas of the structure, making it look more stylish
teaching us new..rappy cheers. i really liked them.
and encouraging us, praising us when we did our stuff right.
taking care of us,
tearing open plasters and putting it over our blisters.
and laughing whenever we made a joke.
and cheered us up whenever we had our downs with campcraft.
and i wanna thank my teammates
thanks so much to everybody, for coming down for trainings
i really don't know how to express my heartfelt thanks and gratefulness to you all.
but you guys have me this sense of belonging, like, we were a team, nothing between us could separate us.
and i really love your company, the warmth it brings me, laughing with me for my insanely lame jokes....
god.
i don;t know how to....tell you.
its just that i really love you all really much, and this love is...powerful.
it grew stronger and stronger every training.
and i admire all of you, for being able to take such hardships, and turn to me and say, 'oh, it's nothing, i can handle it.'
and the CIs.....
to this part i really want to cry, and unleash those tears out.
i'm sorry that we didn'tget into finals.
and i'm so sorry that you all had to sacriface your lessons and everything else just to guide us.
i'm really sorry.
and it's like one of the times i really wanna spread my hands out and fall back down.
and just disappear.
-----<3
i prayed for this heart to be unbroken,
but without you all i'm going to be is...
incomplete.
like one of the times when i can finally take a sip of my hot cocca and smile...-----<3-----<3-----so, we didn't get into the finals.i cried.like there was no tomorrow.don't be mistaken, i am, really, really, sincerely happy for team one.they deserved it, i know.but, you know that feeling when everything, almost everything in your world crashes down?like bits and pieces of your own dream shattering in front of you?that devastating pained feeling boiling in your blood?like you just wanted to scream and cry and bawl till you cry your heart out?it sucked. results sucked. it really did.i mean, i know in my previous post i said that i didn't really care about results, but..i will miss campcraft.and i won't be able to get blisters anymore, peg anymore.or sing low and bob the builder and hey team two and other cheers.i'll miss the trainings we had, and i really want to have trainings like that.doesn;t mean we didn't get into finals mean we stop here.no.we can pitch.and pitch.and pitch, forever.now wouldn't that be nice?-----<3just like when you look at me,i see a glimpse of sadness.
hey ho let's go!we;re going down tonight!hey ho let's go!we're gonna do this til we die,cause i, i've got no reason to apologise.that;s my generation!-----<3-----<3-----and tomorrow, it'll be the big day.and i'm not worried at all.my fever is starting again, my eyes are sore from opening...and my voice is breaking.and i...really want tomorrow to be good.results..i don;t care.i care, but..i don't want to disappoint them...they did so much for us...and is this how we repay them?darn it, i'll cry if we don't get into top 10really.AHHHHH. but anyway,i shall motivate myself.i mean, we've been training for so damn long.5 months.that's half a year.and it's so much hard work, complied with many other elements that made our training enjoyable.i don;t know if you guys feel this, but i feel so happy when i go for campcraft sessions.like i feel like pegs are a part of my body.and....campcraft feels just like home. a second home.i;m crazy, falling head over heels with campcraft.call me crazy, whatever, but i really think we can get into top 10.AHHH. WE CAN DO IT!YEAHHHHH!GO CAMPCRAFT TEAMS 08'! :D-----<3just when i look at you in the eyes,i catch a glimpse of success.
now when everything's pulling me up, the devil's pulling me down.-----<3-----<3-----phew.at least i survived the march holidays.was it that bad?it wasn't. but i can't stop thinking about the camping days.it's etched into the deep corner of my mind, where i can't take it out.you know that kind of feeling when you've screwed everything up, but feel like you've done a good job because of the constant support your best buds are giving you?that's how i felt.and i don't know how to repay them.jeez, i just love you all too much.oh yeah.without all of you, campfire would have not been possible, and everybody who has helped us in a way or another.but i really do miss the heat of the fire burning against my skin. i just miss everything.but this is not the focus.point is campcraft competition is only a few days left...and our timing? hmmm, 14 minutes? is that good?nah, big no no. but we can do better, because when our whole team's there, our morale goes way high up.that's when we'll cause a ruckus in NP history. ;)everybody has dreams of their own.but sometime, you know it does really sucks to give up your dream position, well literally speaking, for someone.i don't think it's fair for me. but to her, i don't want to know.i just hope everything would be right.and i wish, wish, wish that i'll get my post. which obviously i won't get, thanks to her constant brainwashing. damn, she's a good convince-er. :)before my eyelids close, i just wanna thank everybody a lot for their support and spontaneous reaction for unit camp!
i owe this to you, guys! :D-----<3now you get it,now you don't.
like when everything's over,i can finally breathe.-----<3-----<3-----now i feel like that man you see in the picture.well, not exactly, but you know how i feel.it's one of those times when you can finally see those colours start fading into your eyes...when the whole thing is just so beautiful.it was always right there, in front of you, but you've been too blind to see it.it feels so nice, sitting with each other again.that moment was surreal. i thought we were back to the normal days...but i guess that will take forever.-----<3-----amen.
so...just like that?-----<3-----<3-----there's a moment in life when you just feel empty.and it feels worse than failing your sciences or maths.that feeling when you don't know how to face the rest of the world.seriously, i have no idea how to be strong tomorrow.look, this is a blog, so i am just going to say everything i am feeling.i didn't think i was in the wrong, partially. well i was in the wrong, but not majority of it. anger just took over me when...sometimes i feel if this is it.maybe it's the end, i don't know.things are just always like this.i hate this...campcraft.... because it just..causes misunderstandings and conflicts and arguments.and i thought it was just about building teamwork and pitching and having a great time, more about bonding.-----<3stop and stare.seems like i'm moving but i'm going nowhere.